“You're a fraud”
…..thats what someone in my inner circle said to me the other day.
The reason? I ate pizza and garlic bread and as a nutritionist I shouldn’t according to him.
I thought about this for a while, and for the first time in a long time I realised Im really ok with who I am.
There was a time you see that I thought I couldn't be a successful nutritionist because I wasn't a size 8 or even a size 10 I'm a size 12 and I thought I needed to be thinner, prettier and well anything but me to make the cut.
However what I've come to realise since Ive started to believe in myself is that my size has never been a problem for any of my clients in fact its not a problem for anyone other than me, well ok thats a small lie I got totally slated and called fat on twitter after I appeared on a tv show, but hey I realised then that I cant please everyone and not even one will like how I look and thats ok they don't have too like me but I really do need to like myself.
I was also been told that I shouldn't post positive affirmations when I'm sad as its a false representative of who I am. However I post them exactly for that reason I often write the things I need to read for myself. It helps remind me that life for all its adversities is not truly a bad place. On the darkest days I sometime need to remind myself that the world really is a beautiful place.
I started this year without any resolutions, without any goals, for so long Ive had lists of things I want to do, a you tube channel, finish and publish a ebook, write down all my recipies and send that off, work out how to publish the 6 week online course Ive written and seriously finish my blinking book!! However in the end they made me feel like I was constantly stressed and never able to fully relax because of course these tasks were still pending.
This year I wanted to be different I wanted to listen to my heart and write out of pure passion. just after new year I found out I was pregnant - I was delighted, I cant tell you how happy I was of course I had moment of sheer panic but I was in seventh heaven! My partners face when I told him was that of pure delight he said it was the best day ever and he was over the moon. Ive need seen anyone look so happy.
However weeks later I woke up and knew there was something wrong, I woke up and all of my pregnancy symptoms were gone every single one just like that over night, I tried to be logical I did another pregnancy test it was positive, I tried to think good thoughts and I managed to get on with life for three days however by the fourth day I was mildly hysterical I rang my GPs Surgery and said It think something is wrong they told me if I wasn't bleeding theirs nothing to worry about, I however just knew their was something wrong so an hour later I rang the surgery and told them I was bleeding they booked me in for a scan the next day.
The scan showed something was wrong the scan showed I was only 5 and a half week I should have been almost 8. I was told I had to wait a week to see if their was any growth, a week later it was confirmed I had had a silent miscarriage.
Its so hard to say how I felt in that moment, because in all honest I felt so many things, crushed, disappointment, heart broken, I was angry and frustrated at my body, I felt like I had let everyone down later that day we saw my friend and her baby and both my mother and partner held her baby and I cannot tell you in that moment how much my heart broke into so many pieces. It was so hard dealing with my pain and knowing that everyone else was as hurt as me and it was my body that failed. I felt responsible. Logically I knew It wasn't my fault but it felt as if my body couldn't do its job properly. I was disappointed and took food to be my remedy in the wrong kind of way.
Food became the thing that cheered me up, I found solace in pizza, crisps actually anything.
As a consequence Ive gained weight.
However when I was called a fraud I had to dig deep and ask myself who I am.
I realised Im not a fraud - I'm human - I'm flawed and Im ok with that - I reacted to a painful situation the way I help teach women not too because they seek my help and it helps them.
One of the reasons I believe my clients connect with me because I see their struggle I remember how I used to feel and sometimes still feel. I was emotionally eating to ease my sadness.
Im not perfect, I have never claimed to be, whilst I am a qualified nutritionist I sometimes eat really really crappy foods and after everything thats happened these past few weeks Ive developed some really unhealthy habits. However I believe they served a purpose for me. They helped me once again understand emotional eating and the food mood connection that I so often talk about.
They also served as an emotional crutch thankfully I have been able to see the error in my ways and make the change I needed and Im now ready to once again stop using food to numb my pain, Im ready to feel my feelings and heal them and get my body back to full health and prepare it for pregnancy when the time is right.
A client yesterday left my house after giving me a big hug and told me “you’re amazing Kirsten you just know how I feel with out me even telling you, and that is a very special gift”. What a special moment that was, for both me and her.
If you've had a hard time lately or if you haven’t stuck to your new years resolutions don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself. You are not flawed as Brene Brown said once “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”